After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
