hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
