for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
