[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
