You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
