Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My ATM looks so different sober.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You're like the curious george of whores
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize