Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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