I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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