Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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