Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
