3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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