Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize