When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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