Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
