Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
