he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had sex on a roof
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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