they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize