My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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