I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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