I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
