Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
