How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
