I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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