I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
And then he peed in my hair
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