she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize