Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
