this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
is it fun? or sober?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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