I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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