im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
