I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
