She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Randomize
