Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
