I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
