Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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