I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
