So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
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