She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize