I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
