R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
