I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to align my fucking chakras
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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