Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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