i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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