I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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