So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
