...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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