Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
