Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
