He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
