kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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