id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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