isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
