matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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