Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
