Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
