when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize