Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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