When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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