You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
