I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
