he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
