soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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