i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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